I said I wouldn't do it...

But these stupid opk's are laying around from the walk of hope we did. I got like 4 packs of 20 ovulation sticks so lady night in a moment of weakness I pulled one out and peed on it and to my surprise it was STARK white in the test area! Like no line whatsoever! There was a control line just NO test line which has never happened before! I always get a little line during the month at any given point in my cycle but I haven't ever gotten nothing. It really got me worked up and really sad! I just cried and cried because I knew that it wasn't a good sign. I couldn't sleep last night either and just kept tossing and turning and thinking about the phone call we are going to get on Tuesday. I went from cautiously optimistic to straight up Debbie Downer in one day. I know in reality I'm not "out" until they tell me I am but I guess I have lost all real hope this worked. I don't feel pregnant and I feel like God is telling me ahead of time so I can prepare myself. This is like straight torture though, this waiting and praying. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out right now but I can't. I feel bad for Ry too because last night he saw how upset I was a I'm pretty sure he felt helpless. He kept reminding me that we did everything we could, we really gave it out all and that he was proud of me for sticking through the treatment. I just feel so defeated already and I think that bums me out more. How do you pick yourself up and put on a face like it doesn't hurt? I wish we hadn't told anyone that we were doing this cycle like we originally planned. I just know everyone is going to be so disappointed in me when they find out it failed.