The results are in...

I'm going to keep this short and sweet, I'm not pregnant. It didn't work and to say the least I'm just beyond devastated! I had my blood test done this morning and they just called me and told me the results. I cried and cried and them threw up and them cried some more. I just thought this would work and I prayed and prayed and did everything I could and it still failed. I'm having a hard time accepting it's over and this whole month was a waste. Why didn't it work?

I said I wouldn't do it...

But these stupid opk's are laying around from the walk of hope we did. I got like 4 packs of 20 ovulation sticks so lady night in a moment of weakness I pulled one out and peed on it and to my surprise it was STARK white in the test area! Like no line whatsoever! There was a control line just NO test line which has never happened before! I always get a little line during the month at any given point in my cycle but I haven't ever gotten nothing. It really got me worked up and really sad! I just cried and cried because I knew that it wasn't a good sign. I couldn't sleep last night either and just kept tossing and turning and thinking about the phone call we are going to get on Tuesday. I went from cautiously optimistic to straight up Debbie Downer in one day. I know in reality I'm not "out" until they tell me I am but I guess I have lost all real hope this worked. I don't feel pregnant and I feel like God is telling me ahead of time so I can prepare myself. This is like straight torture though, this waiting and praying. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out right now but I can't. I feel bad for Ry too because last night he saw how upset I was a I'm pretty sure he felt helpless. He kept reminding me that we did everything we could, we really gave it out all and that he was proud of me for sticking through the treatment. I just feel so defeated already and I think that bums me out more. How do you pick yourself up and put on a face like it doesn't hurt? I wish we hadn't told anyone that we were doing this cycle like we originally planned. I just know everyone is going to be so disappointed in me when they find out it failed.

The struggle

So today I'm fighting all my urges to go and pick up some dollar tree tests. I was thinking maybe I could test the hcg out of my system and then I would know if I got a real positive after it I would actually be pregnant. All of these symptoms would be from pregnancy and not in my head you know?  But alas I have decided not to do it. I think it will put more stress and frustration in my life. I'm putting this in God's hands and we will find out Tuesday when I get my beta test if this worked. I still don't feel any different though, my boobs are still really sore and swollen and I'm still really bloated. I have been having more dreams but they are more random and vivid. I also pee all day and night! I swear I wake up 5 times a night to either go pee or just random no reason waking up. Part of it is Emma ending up in our bed every night got whatever random reason. She has been really clingy the last few weeks. She will go months sleeping in her own bed and now it seems like the last few weeks she ends up in here at 2am. When you ask her why she comes up with different excuses "I was too hot/cold/scared of the dark/legs hurt (she has grown 3 1/2 in the last year alone)" I don't really mind it to be honest though because I love waking up and having her snuggle me. It sets the mood for the day for sure and getting showered in little hugs and kisses makes my day. It won't be like this forever so I want to enjoy it while it lasts. If this is my only time experiencing these things I want to remember them and I want her to remember them too!

Where did my symptoms go?

It's weird that I keep having dreams of twins and in my dreams I'm super freaked out about it. Maybe it's that psychic that I saw before I met Ry that told me I would have 3 kids and only 2 births. I always assumed that meant I would adopt one until this infertility stuff and then I started thinking maybe it was twins. I have tons of dreams of my future children though, I dreamt a lot about them when I was pregnant with Emma. I don't feel pregnant though, I feel better today than I have been. My boobs are still swollen and sore and I feel the bloat and heavy feeling my stomach but I think that is just a side effect of the Endometrin. I'm actually pretty sure that this didn't work and I'm delaying the fact that I'm going to find out next week. I have 1 week left to find out if this actually worked or if we will be a 3 person family from here on out. I asked the nurse what happens if the beta comes back postive and she informed me I would have to get a blood draw every other day to make sure the numbers go up. It freaked me out thinking if this works and then I lose it it's going to be more devastating than not getting pregnant at all. I'm trying to stay postive though, hopefully this worked and there is a little baby growing and multiplying cells in my tummy. Emma this morning wanted to look at pictures when she was in my belly and when she was a baby. It's always so sweet when she wants to talk about how all the pictures of her she is being held and loved on by so many family and friends. She knows how much we all love her and she knows that she is one of the best things that ever happened to us.

Seriously heartburn... Can you not?

So I ended up calling my doctors office about the heartburn because it's seriously driving me crazy. It's to the point where I feel like throwing up because the acid is just sitting at the base of my throat and tums isn't really cutting it right now. All the research I found online said it could be the Endometrin but I wanted to check and the nurse and doctor both said it wasn't the medicine. That if it continues I needed to call them because it isn't a known side effect and I may need to get on something if it's getting worse. In the back of my mind I start thinking what if it means I'm pregnant. My mom said her first signs of being pregnant long before her positive test was heartburn and it was the same way with my girlfriend Jessica when she was pregnant. So now that is messing with my mind lol! My boobs are gigantic and super sore and swollen which is normal for the progesterone and  so is the cramping and bloating. So basically everything but the heartburn is from the medicine. Other that I'm feeling really great! My head is in a good place and I'm looking forward to my beta test but I'm not feeling stressed about it. I know that it could go either way but I'm really not going to fall apart if it's negative. Maybe the last 2 years of heart break month after month has started to make me numb or maybe I finally have found peace with my infertility. I know that I have done everything I can to try and make this happen and there isn't anything else I can do. It's in God's hands know and I just need to wait and see what he decides. I'm just lucky that I have gotten to experience motherhood once and have a gorgeous and smart 4 year old and for that I know I'm a lucky lady.

5 days post trigger and 9 days left of my tww

So far I'm okay with the Endometrin. It hasn't been nearly as bad as the other stuff they had my on last time as far as side effects go other than the cramping and the heartburn! Omg the heart burn is horrible. I don't remember eating so many tums in my life. I have it when I wake up, during the day and at night! I also started having to get up in the middle of the night to pee. All of these from what I have researched though are normal side effects of the progesterone. Boobs hurting, cramping, heartburn, peeing, nausea and every other symptom pregnant people get are what I'm experiences but mine is being caused my my medicine. I forgot exhaustion... But that's a given! I'm still on a roller coaster of emotions though, one minute I'm happy day dreaming about maybe being pregnant and the next I'm sad thinking that I'm only delaying the inevitable and this didn't work. Either way though I'm a lot happier for the most part than I have been. It's weird but deep down I have this excitement... But I don't want to share it with anyone aloud because I may jinx it so I write it here. Here is my safe place to talk about the things I don't want to jinx myself or end up looking dumb if this doesn't go the way I want. Please please let this go the way I want...

Oh cramps how I loathe thee...

Well based on my headline you know what's wrong with me! The cramps are here and I have a feeling they plan on staying since I'm on the progesterone. The good news is I didn't have any crazy dreams last night like the last time I was on them and I thought a whale made me curtains out of its hyde. Weird I know but I had some crazy ass dreams on the stuff last time. Other than the cramping I'm okay though, boobs are swollen and tender and I have a nagging headache but overall it doesn't appear too bad. My man re-enlisted today so Em and I went out to his work for that and then I came home and cleaned the house and moved some stuff around the living room. I love moving furniture and rearranging. I don't know why but ever since I was little I would do it whenever I was stressed. Maybe my sub-conscious uses it as a way to wipe the slate clean or something.