So if you look around the interwebz you will find so many lists of what not to say to someone dealing with infertility. Some of these apply to both secondary and primary infertility, but I am going to list my favorites and all of these have actually been said to me personally. Now if I know you in real life and you have said one of the following to me... well please don't be offended and take it personally. Chances are you weren't the first and won't be the last person who has said it to me, and this is more of an explanation of why I find it hurtful or found it hurtful at the time. **DISCLAIMER** Before this journey, I would have been guilty of saying things like this without thinking too. Now without further adieu...
1. Just relax it's going to happen- really? Is that what I have been doing wrong? I am not relaxed enough to get pregnant... Stress doesn't cause infertility! Let me repeat that STRESS DOESN'T CAUSE INFERTILITY. Unless you are so stressed that it causes you to stop ovulating... but the process of going through infertility isn't going to do it.
2. Can't you just be grateful for the one you have? Some people don't even have one and never will? Okay, I am so beyond grateful for the one I have. She is my everything and I love her beyond words, but don't try and tell me that wanting to expand my family means I am ungrateful for the one I have. Also, do not compare 2 apples... just because someone doesn't have any children and maybe cannot have any, doesn't mean that I should be compared to them. I do have a child, and I do want more children and it's none of your dang business how many spawn I want to produce. I didn't tell you what to do with your uterus so please don't tell me what to do with mine.
3. You can have one of mine/ all of mine. Whoa.... first of all I don't want your spawn either. Don't get me wrong I love kids, but just because your kids are acting up or whiling out, don't be an ass and try and "give" me them as a consolation prize for my broken baby maker unless your actually serious about giving me them. So bottom line, unless your seriously considering giving me your child/ren, DON'T OFFER THEM TO ME!!
4. Why don't you adopt? A lot of people who adopt get pregnant right after that. Here's the thing, adoption is very expensive and is a very long process. You don't just buy a baby like a car and take a loan out for it and BAM!! you get your baby. It doesn't work like that and it's much more complex than you think. Also it's not something we (personally) haven't considered, we are just waiting to decide if it something we are going to be able to do. Also there are no statistics proving that people "magically" get preganant after they adopt and no it doesn't give you a tie in for "well they stopped trying so maybe it was the stress"
5. It's God's timing/In his hands/Not meant to be. I am rolling all of these into one because they are all just really annoying and frustrating things say to someone who is going through this.God doesn't choose to give one person a baby and then make it so another person can't to punish them. You may not be using the word "punish" but I can tell that is something that flashes through my mind when someone uses those phrases. I cannot count how many nights I have had "Talks with the big man" trying to understand all of this. Wondering why a crack head on the street continues to get pregnant over and over, or that person in the abortion clinic is getting their 5th abortion. I have given up trying to understand the "WHY?" because I will never know or be able to understand.
6. You've been pregnant before, so it'll happen again. Just give it time. Here is the thing, just because it happened once doesn't guarantee it will happen again. "According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than 1 million couples grapple with secondary infertility" A lot of them go unreported because if they are struggling they are also less likely to seek treatment. Most couples who choose not to seek treatment often just live as a one child family.
7. What about IVF? Have you ever looked at the cost of IVF? Holy balls it's expensive, like not just the price tag but have you look into what it entails from an emotional and physical aspect? I'm guessing YOU haven't, but you know someone who has right? Not only are you looking at about $20,000 in a cycle... yes you read that right, A CYCLE. There are no guarantees it will work and it's a lot of physical and emotional stress on not just you, but your body and your family. Remember my post about going through the injection cycle? Well, I am guessing it's like that times seventy billion!!
8. Have you tried ____? It worked for us. I have tried a lot of things... ovulation kits, propping my ass up with the pillow, laying a certain way, having sex a certain way, taking this, not taking that. exercising more, exercising less, losing weight, gaining weight... I have also been seeing an actual doctor who specializing in all of this.
9. I know how you feel, we tried for __ months. Unless your filling that statement in with something longer than a year and adding that you also needed to seek to fertility treatments, please refrain. I am not minimizing your struggle, I am not to compete with you in who it took longer, I just don't want to hear about how it took you 3 whole months to get pregnant so it is pretty much the same thing. It isn't the same thing so please don't tell me it is, because it is hurtful.
10. SO WHAT CAN I SAY??????? Well there really isn't a whole lot that you can say, but being there for someone means a lot. Let them vent to you, let them cry on your shoulder, be supportive of them and their decisions, if they decide to stop treatment or continue it. Treat them like you would want others to treat you. Give them support but please don't give them advice. If you were diagnosed with a disease I doubt you would go to your friends to ask them for advice on the treatment right?
Hopefully this post was helpful, insightful, fruitful, yada yada yada. I sincerely hope no one got their panties in a bunch while reading this because it was not my intention. I would never had known how to deal with this if I hadn't been put in this situation. Looking back, I am pretty sure these phrases have left my mouth at some point as well so I am not innocent. I don't think I ever said them to anyone going through fertility issues but I am sure I have said them to someone who was "TTC". I am off to spend this wonderful spring day cleaning.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Living in the shadows...
Sometimes I wonder if I am alone in my struggles with infertility. I often wonder if there are other people like me who feel like I feel. That may sound strange to some people considering the answer to this particular question is "No, there are a lot of people who are going through it or that have gone through it"
So why I feel like this?
Having infertility is a disease that you can't see. Having secondary infertility is just as tough as primary. I am not going to argue with someone who has primary infertility and tell them I have it worse than them, just like I am not going to tell you having secondary is worse than primary. I will not belittle somebody feelings or situation and I expect the same from others. It's not a pissing contest, it's not something anyone can control. I wouldn't wish infertility issues on my worst enemy, and I am a pretty spiteful person at times.
I feel like I am alone dealing with this disease. I was ashamed and embarrassed when we first started dealing with it. I felt broken and less than womanly. I felt like a bad wife because I couldn't give my husband another child, a bad mom for not being able to give my child a sibling, I felt like I was a failure as a woman. I couldn't do the one thing that God created me to do again and it felt like a slap in the face. I thought maybe I was such a terrible mom to the kid I had that I was being punished by infertility. I didn't like going around people who could pop kids out left and right. I was mad at them for being able to do so and I was jealous as hell.
Why me? Poor me or my... This is how I used to feel on a day to day basis and would stay holed up in my house for fear that I would see a pregnant person or see a newborn baby and lose my shit.
FAST FORWARD...
I don't feel like that anymore because I have come to terms with myself and my body. My baby maker is broke and it feels like there is this magically little fairy taunting me and telling me "I might give you your fertility back... or I might just keep it". Well bitch, you need to decide what your going to do, but in the mean time I am done letting you control me.
I am done letting my "infertility" keep me from being myself. Thank God I am done with the hormones for a little while, because between the injection cycle and birth control and then just the added stress of the testing, treatments and surgery it was like the exorcism at times in this house. Talk about mood swings, you think someone who is PMSing for a few days out of the month is bad? It was like I was PMSing for 4 months straight and between the hot flashes, cramping, acne breakouts, constipation, exhaustion, insomnia, poking myself with a needle, getting blood drawn, having thing crammed in your yahoo... well I will just stop there but you get the picture. After my surgery, our RE asked us if we wanted to jump back into treatment and Ry and I declined and said we needed a few months off. It had become a little too much for all of us, and it wasn't fair to Emma either.
So now it's a waiting game... I won't lie and pretend like I don't think about getting pregnant every day because I do. I think about it a lot and I don't know if that is something that will ever change. I mean I am assuming that if I do get pregnant it will change obviously but I also wonder if I will spend every moment of my pregnancy scared of losing it. I don't want to do that either since that's what the goal is in all of this. So today, I will breathe and I will enjoy life. I will still dream of expanding my family and I will still hold on to hope that it will happen one day. I will not be sad about it for more than 5 minutes a day. I will allow myself that brief time to be angry, bitter, pissed off, sad, whatever I feel like and then I will move on to the rest of the 1435 minutes of the day where I am accepting of the things that I have no control of and the things I cannot change.
So why I feel like this?
Having infertility is a disease that you can't see. Having secondary infertility is just as tough as primary. I am not going to argue with someone who has primary infertility and tell them I have it worse than them, just like I am not going to tell you having secondary is worse than primary. I will not belittle somebody feelings or situation and I expect the same from others. It's not a pissing contest, it's not something anyone can control. I wouldn't wish infertility issues on my worst enemy, and I am a pretty spiteful person at times.
I feel like I am alone dealing with this disease. I was ashamed and embarrassed when we first started dealing with it. I felt broken and less than womanly. I felt like a bad wife because I couldn't give my husband another child, a bad mom for not being able to give my child a sibling, I felt like I was a failure as a woman. I couldn't do the one thing that God created me to do again and it felt like a slap in the face. I thought maybe I was such a terrible mom to the kid I had that I was being punished by infertility. I didn't like going around people who could pop kids out left and right. I was mad at them for being able to do so and I was jealous as hell.
Why me? Poor me or my... This is how I used to feel on a day to day basis and would stay holed up in my house for fear that I would see a pregnant person or see a newborn baby and lose my shit.
FAST FORWARD...
I don't feel like that anymore because I have come to terms with myself and my body. My baby maker is broke and it feels like there is this magically little fairy taunting me and telling me "I might give you your fertility back... or I might just keep it". Well bitch, you need to decide what your going to do, but in the mean time I am done letting you control me.
I am done letting my "infertility" keep me from being myself. Thank God I am done with the hormones for a little while, because between the injection cycle and birth control and then just the added stress of the testing, treatments and surgery it was like the exorcism at times in this house. Talk about mood swings, you think someone who is PMSing for a few days out of the month is bad? It was like I was PMSing for 4 months straight and between the hot flashes, cramping, acne breakouts, constipation, exhaustion, insomnia, poking myself with a needle, getting blood drawn, having thing crammed in your yahoo... well I will just stop there but you get the picture. After my surgery, our RE asked us if we wanted to jump back into treatment and Ry and I declined and said we needed a few months off. It had become a little too much for all of us, and it wasn't fair to Emma either.
So now it's a waiting game... I won't lie and pretend like I don't think about getting pregnant every day because I do. I think about it a lot and I don't know if that is something that will ever change. I mean I am assuming that if I do get pregnant it will change obviously but I also wonder if I will spend every moment of my pregnancy scared of losing it. I don't want to do that either since that's what the goal is in all of this. So today, I will breathe and I will enjoy life. I will still dream of expanding my family and I will still hold on to hope that it will happen one day. I will not be sad about it for more than 5 minutes a day. I will allow myself that brief time to be angry, bitter, pissed off, sad, whatever I feel like and then I will move on to the rest of the 1435 minutes of the day where I am accepting of the things that I have no control of and the things I cannot change.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Short and sweet
Today's post is going to be just that, short and sweet. We have been really busy the last couple of days, and I have been pretty exhausted and not in the mood to blog. I have been making an attempt at spring cleaning and am hoping that once it's a little bit nicer out I want to hold a yard sale again to get rid of some of the junk piling in up in my garage. I hate clutter and I'm the kind of person who when things aren't organized I feel like my head is going to explode.
We went through Emma's clothes finally and let me tell you something, she has an insane amount of stuff. I was holding on to everything thinking I would have another child by now, but since that hasn't happened **yet** that I really need to let some of it go. It's hard when certain outfits remind me of something special, a memory made in them, a place we visited or who gave it to her. BUT I will end up on an episode of hoarders if I don't get rid of some of it. I save the important ones and put them away but I know that she will not care in 20 years if I kept an outfit she wore to the park the first time she went on the swings, or a shirt she wore the first time she didthis or that. I need to clear some room out and continue making memories in her head or maybe worry about taking pictures for her to see someday. So with all that being said, I will hopefully have something better to post tomorrow.
We went through Emma's clothes finally and let me tell you something, she has an insane amount of stuff. I was holding on to everything thinking I would have another child by now, but since that hasn't happened **yet** that I really need to let some of it go. It's hard when certain outfits remind me of something special, a memory made in them, a place we visited or who gave it to her. BUT I will end up on an episode of hoarders if I don't get rid of some of it. I save the important ones and put them away but I know that she will not care in 20 years if I kept an outfit she wore to the park the first time she went on the swings, or a shirt she wore the first time she didthis or that. I need to clear some room out and continue making memories in her head or maybe worry about taking pictures for her to see someday. So with all that being said, I will hopefully have something better to post tomorrow.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Infertility Awareness Month
Happy April 1st to everyone, hope you all had an awesome Easter. So April is Infertility Awareness Month because April 21st-27th is National Infertility Awareness Week. I am also excited because I plan on doing the Walk of Hope in Washington D.C. on June 22nd to show my support and help bring awareness to not only primary infertility but to secondary as well.
Here is my link for fundraising FUNDRAISING-PAGE,
I decided to only attempt to raise $100, I know that doesn't sound like much but to be honest I am not quite sure how much money I will be able to raise via family and friends and I wanted to make sure it was an amount I could commit to paying myself if I don't raise anything. I am excite d to do it though, one of my bestest friends just did the one in AZ and she also suffered from Secondary Infertility and she beat it and is pregnant with a little sweet baby girl right now! It's weird to say "she beat it" but she did, she is an infertility survivor. Just like anyone else who is diagnosed with a disease, if you are able to overcome it you become a survivor of it. I doubt she will ever forget the pain and things she went through to get where she is now. She is someone I admire so much when it comes to this journey, because she has been in my shoes. She never gave up and always believed that it would happen and when it comes down to it, that's a quality you can't ignore. Despite our up's and down's she has always been there for me no matter what I hope she knows how much I love her :)
I hope that one day I can call myself a survivor of infertility as well. I hope that one day I will be holding a sweet baby and all of this will have brought me to him/her. That's what the Walk of Hope is to me, a hope that one day I will overcome this obstacle I am facing and while I will never forget what we as a family have done to get there I know I will appreciate every single moment.
I often find myself thinking about these "moments", Emma is growing up too fast, or at least too fast to my liking and I wonder what it would be like to not have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that this is it. This is the only and last time I will get "first's" not just with her but with any child. Maybe I try to make her "first's" that much more special because I am only going to get one shot at this and I am going to do it bigger and better. I reflect back to my pregnancy and wish I would have enjoyed it more, while she was a baby I wish I would have done this, or done that different. I wish I wouldn't have been so eager for her to get to the next milestone and stopped and enjoyed the one she was at a little longer. I often find myself overlooking things she does now because I don't want to taint her memories of me and I spoil her rotten. She isn't rotten of course, she isn't perfect either but she is my baby, at least for now she is. I don't look forward to her going to school (some days I do) and I don't even wanna think about her dating and driving a car and all of these things that are so far in the future but the truth is they aren't. Life goes by so fast and I have made the choice to live it and not rush it, to live in the moments that I am given with the people I hold dear because isn't that what life is about?
Here is my link for fundraising FUNDRAISING-PAGE,
I decided to only attempt to raise $100, I know that doesn't sound like much but to be honest I am not quite sure how much money I will be able to raise via family and friends and I wanted to make sure it was an amount I could commit to paying myself if I don't raise anything. I am excite d to do it though, one of my bestest friends just did the one in AZ and she also suffered from Secondary Infertility and she beat it and is pregnant with a little sweet baby girl right now! It's weird to say "she beat it" but she did, she is an infertility survivor. Just like anyone else who is diagnosed with a disease, if you are able to overcome it you become a survivor of it. I doubt she will ever forget the pain and things she went through to get where she is now. She is someone I admire so much when it comes to this journey, because she has been in my shoes. She never gave up and always believed that it would happen and when it comes down to it, that's a quality you can't ignore. Despite our up's and down's she has always been there for me no matter what I hope she knows how much I love her :)
I hope that one day I can call myself a survivor of infertility as well. I hope that one day I will be holding a sweet baby and all of this will have brought me to him/her. That's what the Walk of Hope is to me, a hope that one day I will overcome this obstacle I am facing and while I will never forget what we as a family have done to get there I know I will appreciate every single moment.
I often find myself thinking about these "moments", Emma is growing up too fast, or at least too fast to my liking and I wonder what it would be like to not have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that this is it. This is the only and last time I will get "first's" not just with her but with any child. Maybe I try to make her "first's" that much more special because I am only going to get one shot at this and I am going to do it bigger and better. I reflect back to my pregnancy and wish I would have enjoyed it more, while she was a baby I wish I would have done this, or done that different. I wish I wouldn't have been so eager for her to get to the next milestone and stopped and enjoyed the one she was at a little longer. I often find myself overlooking things she does now because I don't want to taint her memories of me and I spoil her rotten. She isn't rotten of course, she isn't perfect either but she is my baby, at least for now she is. I don't look forward to her going to school (some days I do) and I don't even wanna think about her dating and driving a car and all of these things that are so far in the future but the truth is they aren't. Life goes by so fast and I have made the choice to live it and not rush it, to live in the moments that I am given with the people I hold dear because isn't that what life is about?
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