The results are in...

I'm going to keep this short and sweet, I'm not pregnant. It didn't work and to say the least I'm just beyond devastated! I had my blood test done this morning and they just called me and told me the results. I cried and cried and them threw up and them cried some more. I just thought this would work and I prayed and prayed and did everything I could and it still failed. I'm having a hard time accepting it's over and this whole month was a waste. Why didn't it work?

I said I wouldn't do it...

But these stupid opk's are laying around from the walk of hope we did. I got like 4 packs of 20 ovulation sticks so lady night in a moment of weakness I pulled one out and peed on it and to my surprise it was STARK white in the test area! Like no line whatsoever! There was a control line just NO test line which has never happened before! I always get a little line during the month at any given point in my cycle but I haven't ever gotten nothing. It really got me worked up and really sad! I just cried and cried because I knew that it wasn't a good sign. I couldn't sleep last night either and just kept tossing and turning and thinking about the phone call we are going to get on Tuesday. I went from cautiously optimistic to straight up Debbie Downer in one day. I know in reality I'm not "out" until they tell me I am but I guess I have lost all real hope this worked. I don't feel pregnant and I feel like God is telling me ahead of time so I can prepare myself. This is like straight torture though, this waiting and praying. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out right now but I can't. I feel bad for Ry too because last night he saw how upset I was a I'm pretty sure he felt helpless. He kept reminding me that we did everything we could, we really gave it out all and that he was proud of me for sticking through the treatment. I just feel so defeated already and I think that bums me out more. How do you pick yourself up and put on a face like it doesn't hurt? I wish we hadn't told anyone that we were doing this cycle like we originally planned. I just know everyone is going to be so disappointed in me when they find out it failed.

The struggle

So today I'm fighting all my urges to go and pick up some dollar tree tests. I was thinking maybe I could test the hcg out of my system and then I would know if I got a real positive after it I would actually be pregnant. All of these symptoms would be from pregnancy and not in my head you know?  But alas I have decided not to do it. I think it will put more stress and frustration in my life. I'm putting this in God's hands and we will find out Tuesday when I get my beta test if this worked. I still don't feel any different though, my boobs are still really sore and swollen and I'm still really bloated. I have been having more dreams but they are more random and vivid. I also pee all day and night! I swear I wake up 5 times a night to either go pee or just random no reason waking up. Part of it is Emma ending up in our bed every night got whatever random reason. She has been really clingy the last few weeks. She will go months sleeping in her own bed and now it seems like the last few weeks she ends up in here at 2am. When you ask her why she comes up with different excuses "I was too hot/cold/scared of the dark/legs hurt (she has grown 3 1/2 in the last year alone)" I don't really mind it to be honest though because I love waking up and having her snuggle me. It sets the mood for the day for sure and getting showered in little hugs and kisses makes my day. It won't be like this forever so I want to enjoy it while it lasts. If this is my only time experiencing these things I want to remember them and I want her to remember them too!

Where did my symptoms go?

It's weird that I keep having dreams of twins and in my dreams I'm super freaked out about it. Maybe it's that psychic that I saw before I met Ry that told me I would have 3 kids and only 2 births. I always assumed that meant I would adopt one until this infertility stuff and then I started thinking maybe it was twins. I have tons of dreams of my future children though, I dreamt a lot about them when I was pregnant with Emma. I don't feel pregnant though, I feel better today than I have been. My boobs are still swollen and sore and I feel the bloat and heavy feeling my stomach but I think that is just a side effect of the Endometrin. I'm actually pretty sure that this didn't work and I'm delaying the fact that I'm going to find out next week. I have 1 week left to find out if this actually worked or if we will be a 3 person family from here on out. I asked the nurse what happens if the beta comes back postive and she informed me I would have to get a blood draw every other day to make sure the numbers go up. It freaked me out thinking if this works and then I lose it it's going to be more devastating than not getting pregnant at all. I'm trying to stay postive though, hopefully this worked and there is a little baby growing and multiplying cells in my tummy. Emma this morning wanted to look at pictures when she was in my belly and when she was a baby. It's always so sweet when she wants to talk about how all the pictures of her she is being held and loved on by so many family and friends. She knows how much we all love her and she knows that she is one of the best things that ever happened to us.

Seriously heartburn... Can you not?

So I ended up calling my doctors office about the heartburn because it's seriously driving me crazy. It's to the point where I feel like throwing up because the acid is just sitting at the base of my throat and tums isn't really cutting it right now. All the research I found online said it could be the Endometrin but I wanted to check and the nurse and doctor both said it wasn't the medicine. That if it continues I needed to call them because it isn't a known side effect and I may need to get on something if it's getting worse. In the back of my mind I start thinking what if it means I'm pregnant. My mom said her first signs of being pregnant long before her positive test was heartburn and it was the same way with my girlfriend Jessica when she was pregnant. So now that is messing with my mind lol! My boobs are gigantic and super sore and swollen which is normal for the progesterone and  so is the cramping and bloating. So basically everything but the heartburn is from the medicine. Other that I'm feeling really great! My head is in a good place and I'm looking forward to my beta test but I'm not feeling stressed about it. I know that it could go either way but I'm really not going to fall apart if it's negative. Maybe the last 2 years of heart break month after month has started to make me numb or maybe I finally have found peace with my infertility. I know that I have done everything I can to try and make this happen and there isn't anything else I can do. It's in God's hands know and I just need to wait and see what he decides. I'm just lucky that I have gotten to experience motherhood once and have a gorgeous and smart 4 year old and for that I know I'm a lucky lady.

5 days post trigger and 9 days left of my tww

So far I'm okay with the Endometrin. It hasn't been nearly as bad as the other stuff they had my on last time as far as side effects go other than the cramping and the heartburn! Omg the heart burn is horrible. I don't remember eating so many tums in my life. I have it when I wake up, during the day and at night! I also started having to get up in the middle of the night to pee. All of these from what I have researched though are normal side effects of the progesterone. Boobs hurting, cramping, heartburn, peeing, nausea and every other symptom pregnant people get are what I'm experiences but mine is being caused my my medicine. I forgot exhaustion... But that's a given! I'm still on a roller coaster of emotions though, one minute I'm happy day dreaming about maybe being pregnant and the next I'm sad thinking that I'm only delaying the inevitable and this didn't work. Either way though I'm a lot happier for the most part than I have been. It's weird but deep down I have this excitement... But I don't want to share it with anyone aloud because I may jinx it so I write it here. Here is my safe place to talk about the things I don't want to jinx myself or end up looking dumb if this doesn't go the way I want. Please please let this go the way I want...

Oh cramps how I loathe thee...

Well based on my headline you know what's wrong with me! The cramps are here and I have a feeling they plan on staying since I'm on the progesterone. The good news is I didn't have any crazy dreams last night like the last time I was on them and I thought a whale made me curtains out of its hyde. Weird I know but I had some crazy ass dreams on the stuff last time. Other than the cramping I'm okay though, boobs are swollen and tender and I have a nagging headache but overall it doesn't appear too bad. My man re-enlisted today so Em and I went out to his work for that and then I came home and cleaned the house and moved some stuff around the living room. I love moving furniture and rearranging. I don't know why but ever since I was little I would do it whenever I was stressed. Maybe my sub-conscious uses it as a way to wipe the slate clean or something.

The dreaded 2ww

Well I ended up triggering Tuesday night. They called me shortly after my last post and said my E2 was 451 so I was in my window to trigger. I either had 3 or 4 mature follicles when I triggered so hopefully one of them latches on and becomes a baby!!! I have been feeling so many mixed emotions the last few days. I'm glad that we decided to try one last time and I really couldn't have asked for a better cycle. I had a great amount of follicles (not too many but still more than I thought) my levels were great and I was able to quit smoking and drinking so try and give this the best possible chance at working as I could. I know my doctor was disappointed we weren't using IUI but it just feels like spending a few grand for that when I could just save it for bills, Christmas and everything else isn't possible. I'm trying to remind myself to be optimistic but to be realistic at the same time. I was doing laundry last night and thinking how weird it would be if this worked... How magically amazing to finally be able to be pregnant again. I was talking to my best friend yesterday and we started talking about our experiences with our secondary infertility. One year ago she was where I was... Almost exactly one year ago to be exact, we are actually only 2 days apart on our cycles. She found out the 28th of November and I'll find out the 26th. She is my inspiration though, she's so strong and she never gave up.

Are we done yet?

So I ended up going to the office on Sunday up in Newark for an ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything looked good but I have gone in for 3 days straight including today for bloodwork and ultrasounds. I had 2 follicles Friday and then Sunday I had 3 on the right ovary and today I have 3 very large on the right and now a new one sneaking up on the left which kind of came out of nowhere. They said more than likely I'm going to trigger tonight because we don't want these getting any bigger and we don't want to have too many follicles. I already had to sign the waiver because I have 3 and had to acknowledge the possibility of multiples. I really don't care though one is good for me. If we end up with twins that's okay too. Triplets would be hard but we would be okay... I just am praying one of these fertilizes and sticks!!!!

Day 5

Just got back from my appt getting my ultrasounds and bloodwork. On the ultrasound it showed that I have 2 dominant follicles that are about 13 and 12 and the. 5 smaller ones on the right and then an 11 and a bunch of smaller ones on my left. It doesn't look like my left is responding as well as my right but it's still pretty early. I'm waiting for a call later telling me where my blood levels are at and when I need to come back and what my dosage is going to be for the next few days. It looks like I'm going to be headed up to the Newark office Sunday though to get checked since the Dover office isn't open on the weekend. I had to order another vial of the Follistom though since I only had a 600 vial. The Lady I saw today said I would most likely need 10 days of stims. I'm still nervous though if I am going to over-stim and have a cancelled cycle. So hopefully everything works out and I only have 3 follicles by the time I trigger. Last time I triggered I only had one follicle and obviously it didn't work so at least having 3 good ones I would have a better chance of getting pregnant. Obviously the odds of multiples increase with more follicles but the odds of just having one are much less.

**update** doctor called and all my levels from bloodwork are good to go so I'm continuing on the 100 units and going back Sunday morning to have another ultrasound and bloodwork. I also scheduled myself a massage while I'm up in Newark :)

Here come the mood swings...

So it all started this afternoon when we couldn't decide where to eat, originally I planned on cooking dinner but I thought I was feeling better and wanted to get out of the house for a bit. I was just going to grab a coffee from Dunkin and run over and feed a friends fish since she is out of town but then we decided on eating out. We don't eat out much just because it's expensive, unhealthy and Dover doesn't have a lot of options. So we're driving and neither one of us can agree on somewhere to eat, both getting hangry (hunger turning into anger) and Em is in the back rattling off about something and I feel like I'm going to snap. Finally we picked a place to eat and then ran to grab a few things and then came home. THEN it happens again out of no where I'm pissed again. In between the bedtime routine, my daughter screaming and refusing to sleep like a normal person I just feel rage. I often wonder during these cycles how I would handle 2 kids and maybe my infertility is because I can't handle Em sometimes that's why I can't have more. Right now my rage is mainly on I'm upset that I have to do these treatments. I'm angry that I have to stick myself every night injecting this crap in me and I don't even know if it's going to work. Why is it that people who are horrible parents are the most fertile? The crack heads on the the streets who dump their babies in trash cans, why can't they be infertile? They should be... But nope they are more fertile than me! That's when the anger turns into a pity party for one though. It's this cycle, it's these drugs, they are making me crazy... I hope that's what it is and that I'm not actually losing my mind!

Day 3 of injections

So I'm on my third day of injections and I'm already feeling like poop. I did get my flu shot on Monday which was the same day I started my injections so  I'm wondering if that's what is causing some of the blah feeling. It's weird to think each night when I'm sticking myself that these little follicles in my ovaries are hopefully growing. I keep thinking about them... Like thinking what if one of them is my potential future child. I have to keep checking myself though back into reality because there is a very high possibility that this won't work though. I don't want to get my heart broken again so I just have been trying to stay positive. This isn't going to be the end of the world if it doesn't happen. If this works it will be a miracle but if it doesn't then I think we will finally know that I just don't have good eggs and having another child naturally isn't it the cards for us. I often find myself during the injection cycle talking to my stomach though, holding it much like I did when Em was in there. I feel protective of it and I don't really know why... I guess deep down I hope that one of these little guys/girls will stick and in 9 months I will be holding them in my arms. Part of the reason I started this blog was so I could go back and reflect on how I was feeling during our journey. Maybe someone who is out there is reading this and is going through the same thing. If I can help anyone feel a little less alone then it's worth it to me.

Cycle Day 3- baseline and ultrasound day

So I just got back from my RE for my baseline and ultrasound. Everything looked good so I am starting my follistom tonight. I had 18 pre-follicles which she said was really good. I will do 100 units every night and since I had so many I go back Friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm not trying to get my hopes up but I'm just hoping and praying it works this time. I need it to work this time because this is our last shot at this. Ryan and I talked about what would happen if this actually works and I think we have become so used to the failure that if we get pregnant we won't know how that will feel. 3 years of wanting and praying for this to happen and now we just have to wait and see if this is what God had planned for us. If it doesn't work though I will go back to work when Emma goes to school and then we will save up to adopt. That's our plan B. Plan B however is much more expensive than plan A. I will be posting some pictures later too of is doing the shots.

Never dreamed I would be a statistic

"According to statistics collected by the Center for Disease Control, 11% of couples who already have a child go on to experience secondary infertility. That's approximately 4 million families, or about half of all infertility cases."

WHOA!!!! 


Secondary infertility is caused by the same problems that lead to primary infertility. Those causes include:

• Male infertility due to low or absent sperm count, problems with sperm shape (also known as sperm morphology), or problems with sperm movement (also known as sperm motility).
• Problems with ovulation, whether irregular ovulation or anovulation.
• Blocked fallopian tubes.
• Endometriosis.
• Fibroids.
• Recurrent miscarriage

SAY WHAT????
 
Okay so now that I have given you that little bit of information, I can continue.  So obviously I am hoping that because I have this whole endometriosis thing, which for the record I can't spell right to save my life and it takes me looking it up to make sure I am spelling it correctly. Even my stupid auto-correct can't spell it and well if auto-correct can't do it, what makes you think I even stand a chance. I obviously am not a spelling and grammar nazi and I am sure for those of you out there who are, you either reading my blog for the first time or you come back to use it as a drinking game. So in either case your drunk off your ass or your heads about to explode from all of the misuse of the English language.
Any who....so I never thought I would be a statistic for infertility. There were so many other things I was holding out to be a statistic of. I already feel the pressure at times being that I was pregnant before marriage, we have been together less than a year, both came from divorced families AND being an active duty military family. So when you talk about a stacked deck, me and my husband have beat those odds and we have only been married for four years. A very blissful and amazing... oh who am I kidding, I love my husband and he loves me and no one is perfect.
Man I keep getting side tracked and this kids is why you should lay off the caffeine and not have 3 cups to get moving in the morning. All of my infertile's out there are screaming "NOOOO NOT CAFFEINE" Well guess what ladies, I am don't care today because I couldn't sleep last night! When you picture a person going through this what do you see? I can tell you right now

Here we go... Again!

So we have decided to give the injections one last shot. Today is cycle day 1 and I'm already a wreck. I'm so scared and anxious that I feel like I'm going to puke. I'm scared that it's not going to work again and there is a part of me terrified that it might actually work which brings on a whole new fear. Emma is 4 and could I really handle another child? Can I really start over from scratch? Am I ready to accept that if this doesn't work that it's officially the end of our journey? We decided that it would be best not to tell anyone about this round of treatment. It was really hard for everyone when it failed last time and we don't want to put anyone through it again. I feel like a failure as a woman because I cannot just get pregnant. I feel like a failure as a wife for not being able to give my husband another child. I feel like a failure as a mother not being able to give my daughter a sibling. I don't want her to grow up alone and with us not being around family I worry that I will become to attached to her and Ryan because I'm so afraid of losing them. I know I'm not a failure deep down but I still feel like it either way. I'm preparing myself for this journey and I know no matter the outcome there is only so many things I can control. God is going to be the ultimate decider of this. He is either going to bless me with another child or he is going to hopefully give me the closure I need to know that it's not going to happen. So stay tuned since I will be posting pictures and daily blog posts about this. Hopefully it will be a desirable outcome but if it isn't, I'm going to be okay. We are going to be okay because at the end of the day I have an amazing husband and daughter who I have been blessed with and that I love and cherish more than anything.