**WARNING GRAPHIC PICTURES**

So I am debating putting my pictures up of my belly after my surgery. They aren't pretty pictures but I did do daily pics just to show what it looked like, not only for myself but if anyone else wanted to see out of curiosity. When I got pregnant with Emma I gained almost 70lbs, I was 150lbs when I got pregnant and was a size 3 thanks to a healthy diet and working as a manager at LA Fitness and I loved working out!! I didn't really even gain that much weight at the beginning of my pregnancy but somewhere around the 5th or 6th month it my belly just kept growing and growing super fast. I was 215 when I delivered Emma. A lot of it was water weight and well extra blood and my giant child! I was 38 weeks when I delivered Emma via c-section and she was 8lbs 6oz and had a 14in head and was 20 inches long. She was a big girl and had I not been induced I wonder what she would have ended up being. I got blessed with a massive amount of stretch marks not only across my entire stomach but my poor boobs went from B's to DD's during my pregnancy as well. I used to feel really self conscious about the stretch marks, Ryan has never said anything about them and neither has anyone else, but to me I just hated them. About 2 months ago I was in the bath tub and Emma came up and started looking me over, and she pointed to them and asked what they were. I told her that when she was a baby she lived inside my belly and grew big and strong and my skin had to stretch to allow her to grow. She looked at me, back down at my belly and then touched them and told me that she thought they were beautiful. It made me cry just thinking that my 3 year old didn't see this as disgusting marks  but as beautiful marks that I earned while I carried her in my belly. It changed my whole outlook on my body after that. The scars that we have because we are women who carry our children are earned and they aren't something to be ashamed of, they are something we can be proud of. I may never wear a bikini in public but it isn't because I am ashamed of my scars. So if you are still reading this I will assume that you are wanting to see these pictures. The first one is before I started my fertility treatments, back in December 2012

Day of Surgery, Getting ready to go back!

 This is right after I got home. As you can see my stomach is really swollen because as I mentioned they fill you up with gas to be able to navigate around the organs. There are 4 incisions (one being inside my belly button and the one on the bottom they cut along my c-section.

Here is Day 2, still pretty swollen but it had gone quite a bit from the prior day. I still was having a lot of chest pains and pretty much was sore everywhere.

Day 3, I was actually feeling good enough to stand up for short periods of time without feeling dizzy or nauseous, I was still really swollen and the bruising started to come out.

Another side shot of Day 3

This was Day 4, I was feeling a lot better the swelling had gone  and I obviously wearing my favorite stretchy pants since they ride low enough not to  rub on the incisions.

It has been almost 2 weeks since my surgery and I would be lying if I told you I felt like myself, because to be honest I don't. I still have my moments where I look down and see these new scars and I wonder if I will ever have another child. I wonder if I will be able to show them and tell them that I went through all of this to bring them into the world. I wonder if these will be reminders to me that I can't have anymore more children. I really just spend a lot of time wondering about the what-if's. What I do know is that I am strong enough to handle it no matter what it ends of being. Infertility isn't a joke, and neither are going through the treatments. Putting yourself and your body through this is not something I think anyone would choose to do for shits and giggles. Putting the stress of infertility on your relationships, friendships, marriage and family is really hard. I say over and over again how lucky I am to have an amazing husband because he truly is an amazing  husband and father to be able to endure this storm. I hope one day I will be able to carry another child for him, and give my daughter a sibling. If I can't though it will be okay, I will be okay and we as a family will be okay. I am grateful for what I have here and now and can only look forward to what the future holds.