Things not to say to someone dealing with Infertility

So if you look around the interwebz you will find so many lists of what not to say to someone dealing with infertility. Some of these apply to both secondary and primary infertility, but I am going to list my favorites and all of these have actually been said to me personally. Now if I know you in real life and you have said one of the following to me... well please don't be offended and take it personally. Chances are you weren't the first and won't be the last person who has said it to me, and this is more of an explanation of why I find it hurtful or found it hurtful at the time. **DISCLAIMER** Before this journey, I would have been guilty of saying things like this without thinking too. Now without further adieu...

1. Just relax it's going to happen- really? Is that what I have been doing wrong? I am not relaxed enough to get pregnant... Stress doesn't cause infertility! Let me repeat that STRESS DOESN'T CAUSE INFERTILITY. Unless you are so stressed that it causes you to stop ovulating... but the process of going through infertility isn't going to do it.

2. Can't you just be grateful for the one you have? Some people don't even have one and never will? Okay, I am so beyond grateful for the one I have. She is my everything and I love her beyond words, but don't try and tell me that wanting to expand my family means I am ungrateful for the one I have. Also, do not compare 2 apples... just because someone doesn't have any children and maybe cannot have any, doesn't mean that I should be compared to them. I do have a child, and I do want more children and it's none of your dang business how many spawn I want to produce. I didn't tell  you what to do with your uterus so please don't tell me what to do with mine.

3. You can have one of mine/ all of mine. Whoa.... first of all I don't want your spawn either. Don't get me wrong I love kids, but just because your kids are acting up or whiling out, don't be an ass and try and "give" me them as a consolation prize for my broken baby maker unless your actually serious about giving me them. So bottom line, unless your seriously considering giving me your child/ren,  DON'T OFFER THEM TO ME!!

4. Why don't you adopt? A lot of people who adopt get pregnant right after that. Here's the thing, adoption is very expensive and is a very long process. You don't just buy a baby like a car and take a loan out for it and BAM!! you get your baby. It doesn't work like that and it's much more complex than you think. Also it's not something we (personally) haven't considered, we are just waiting to decide if it something we are going to be able to do. Also there are no statistics proving that people "magically" get preganant after they adopt and no it doesn't give you a tie in for "well they stopped trying so maybe it was the stress"

5. It's God's timing/In his hands/Not meant to be. I am rolling all of these into one because they are all just really annoying and frustrating things say to someone who is going through this.God doesn't choose to give one person a baby and then make it so another person can't to punish them. You may not be using the word "punish" but I can tell that is something that flashes through my mind when someone uses those phrases. I cannot count how many nights I have had "Talks with the big man" trying to understand all of this. Wondering why a crack head on the street continues to get pregnant over and over, or that person in the abortion clinic is getting their 5th abortion. I have given up trying to understand the "WHY?" because I will never know or be able to understand.

6. You've been pregnant before, so it'll happen again. Just give it time. Here is the thing, just because it happened once doesn't guarantee it will happen again. "According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than 1 million couples grapple with secondary infertility" A lot of them go unreported because if they are struggling they are also less likely to seek treatment. Most couples who choose not to seek treatment often just live as a one child family.

7. What about IVF? Have you ever looked at the cost of IVF? Holy balls it's expensive, like not just the price tag but have you look into what it entails from an emotional and physical aspect? I'm guessing YOU haven't, but you know someone who has right? Not only are you looking at about $20,000 in a cycle... yes you read that right, A CYCLE. There are no guarantees it will work and it's a lot of physical and emotional stress on not just you, but your body and your family. Remember my post about going through the injection cycle? Well, I am guessing it's like that times seventy billion!!

8. Have you tried ____? It worked for us.  I have tried a lot of things... ovulation kits, propping my ass up with the pillow, laying a certain way, having sex a certain way, taking this, not taking that. exercising more, exercising less, losing weight, gaining weight... I have also been seeing an actual doctor who specializing in all of this.

9. I know how you feel, we tried for __ months.  Unless your filling that statement in with something longer than a year and adding that you also needed to seek to fertility treatments, please refrain. I am not minimizing your struggle, I am not to compete with you in who it took longer, I just don't want to hear about how it took you 3 whole months to get pregnant so it is pretty much the same thing. It isn't the same thing so please don't tell me it is, because it is hurtful.

10. SO WHAT CAN I SAY??????? Well there really isn't a whole lot that you can say, but being there for someone means a lot. Let them vent to you, let them cry on your shoulder, be supportive of them and their decisions, if they decide to stop treatment or continue it. Treat them like you would want others to treat you. Give them support but please don't give them advice. If you were diagnosed with a disease I doubt you would go to your friends to ask them for advice on the treatment right?

Hopefully this post  was helpful, insightful, fruitful, yada yada yada. I sincerely hope no one got their panties in a bunch while reading this because it was not my intention. I would never had known how to deal with this if I hadn't been put in this situation. Looking back, I am pretty sure these phrases have left my mouth  at some point as well so I am not innocent. I don't think I ever said them to anyone going through fertility issues but I am sure I have said them to someone who was "TTC". I am off to spend this wonderful spring day cleaning.